18 Wives, be subject to your husbands, as is fitting in the Lord. 19 Husbands, love your wives and do not be embittered against them. Colossians 3:18–19
This is a nuanced passage, and rightfully so. The marriage of a man and a woman, in order to total the sum of one, must be like two pieces of a puzzle that fit together perfectly. If you contemplate the differences between the two participants, anatomical, emotional, etc., it must be this way. There cannot be two heads or two hearts. As God has designed the union, the husband is the head and the heart is the wife. Both are vital. The product of these roles performed in synchronicity is the perfect marriage, resulting in true happiness and a happily ever after. But sadly, this is often not the case.
Far too many “Christian” marriages, are anything but blissful, or biblical. It’s never been designed to be 50-50 either.
It’s not even like the arrangement in the popular movie, “Big Fat Greek Wedding,” with the wife stating proudly, “I’m the neck that turns the head.” This may be true in some marriages, but the implementation of such a strategy suggests anything but what Paul teaches. It suggests shrewd manipulation rather than mutual alignment with God’s will.
There is a cultural land mine in verse 18. It’s enough for any woman to bow her neck, even at the expense of using it strategically! “Subject to” means to fall into rank, not “obey.” Children and slaves are to obey their parents and masters (in verses 20 and 21), not wives their husbands. Also, in the original language there is the presumption in the phrase, “as is fitting in the Lord,” that such a response is proper, expected, and anticipated.
Paul’s similar passage on marriage in Ephesians 5:22-33, also calls for the wife to be “subject to” her husband, using the example of the church’s subordinate relationship to Christ. It also states that, just as Christ “gave himself up” for the church, so should the husband for his wife, of course in a figurative way, driven by his love for her. The husband’s desire should be to love her just as much as he loves himself, and “the wife must see to it that she respects her husband.” “Nagging” or “hen pecking” ranks up there with a “dripping faucet.”
A constant dripping on a day of steady rain and a contentious woman are alike. Proverbs 27:15
While Paul seems to reason with wives in this passage, Paul commands the husbands to sacrificially love their wives, and to not grow bitter against them, and as a result, irritate them. This can be done overtly with caustic or sarcastic words, or with silent distain from the comfortable chair she picked out for you watching some all-important “big” game.
Keep in mind, a wife can pick up on the slightest irregularities in a marriage. Their most frequent statement seems to be “is there anything wrong?” They have the power to run instant CT scans on their husband’s heads. Knowing this, husbands (and wives) should not keep score (logizomai, to keep a mental record) of each other’s shortcomings. Rather, they should practice 1 Corinthians 13:5.
Love “does not act unbecomingly; it does not seek its own, is not provoked, does not take into account a wrong suffered.”
Husbands, obediently exhaust yourselves loving your wives, care for them like the “weaker vessel,” despite worldly influences to the contrary, and they should quickly respond by “falling into rank,” an order that produces full benefits to both participants!
There’s far more in the Bible about conducting a successful Christian marriage. That’s why they have weekend conferences. These verses serve as a primer.
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